Thursday, July 26, 2012

Alcohol Induced ADD

Apparently I can be pretty annoying when I've been drinking.  (No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you.)

Aside from my increased clumsiness, significant drops in vocabulary and understandable speech levels, and inability to type, I also exhibit very clear signs of media-based ADD.

Don't worry, it's not contagious . . .yet. Source
Since I prefer to drink in the company of my husband, in our own home, and away from the prying and judgmental eyes of those who just do not understand the BRILLIANCE that is the Target Cabernet Sauvignon/Shiraz blend wine cube, not many people know about my AIADD (alcohol-induced ADD).

Apparently at past get-togethers with friends, I've been entertained enough (or minding my manners enough) to pretty much focus on one thing at a time.  Playing drunken Scene-It?  I'm good.  Playing drunken Rock Band?  I'm focused.  Playing drunken Cranium?  I can't tell the difference between the Scooby Doo theme song and the Inspector Gadget theme song, but I'm still paying attention (K, I was reeeeally gone at that point in the evening; I can normally remember the iconic TV music of my childhood).

She's so OUTRAGEOUS . . . and naked. Source
Home is a different story.  I'm comfortable (usually in suitably comfy and lazily scant attire--PANTS ARE FOR FANCY FOLK), curled up with my  favorite person in the world--who is legally obligated to put up with me, and in the mood for media.

While we have several favorite shows (most of which are on cable channels right now BECAUSE SUMMER TIME NETWORK TV IS LAME), we're more movie hounds than anything.  We both scour blogs, subbreddits, and random pages Google brings up to find new things to watch.  We've discovered some messed up shit (Oh Martyrs, you scarred me), some really unexpected gems (Peacock: I always knew Cillian Murphy would make a pretty lady), and some total and utter travesties of film-making (I tend to try to block those out, so no titles here).

Seriously, we watch a crap ton of movies.

It would be a metric crap ton if they were on VHS. Source
The worst time for us to watch a movie, however, is if I've been drinking a "significant" amount.  Somewhere between my second and third glass of wine, my AIADD kicks in.  Once that's happened, no film can hold my attention for more than half an hour.

I don't know if you realize this, but the average run time of a movie is a bit under two hours; that's 300% longer than my libation-affected attention span allows for.

So you might think, "well hey, you know your limit, so just stick to shows."


Even the pretty lady knows that's not gonna happen. Source
When I've been drinking, I want to be entertained; I demand to be entertained.  I would have made a great Cesar.  And we don't always have what tipsy-me considers "entertaining" shows just waiting for us on the media center.  (Funny, exciting, borderline offensive, and possibly animated is a harder combination to come by than you might think.)

So I navigate over to the movies to see what we've got (Well, what we've got aside from the gigantic sigh I just heard from my husband's direction. DRINK  YOUR DAMN WINE, CRAIG).  I find something that sounds good--"I've been meaning to watch this" or "Oh, wasn't this supposed to be interesting?"--and fire it up.

There are three possible outcomes to this situation, none of which result in me learning my lesson.

But at least my failure isn't on the front of a building.Source

Outcome #1: Within the first 10 minutes of the film, I see someone who looks vaguely familiar and I dash over to my laptop, navigate to IMDB, and don't come back to the film (from IMDB, Facebook, e-mail, Cracked, Reddit, et al.) until an hour later when I look up and ask, "so what happened?"


Just take the remote, you crazy bitch. Source
Outcome #2: Within the first half hour of the film, I ask "So how long is this movie?" which actually means Because surely we've been watching it for an hour and a half already, and I need to know that it's going to be done soon because I'm getting boooooooooooored. I look longingly at my laptop.  Craig sighs, turns the movie off, and hands control over to me.  

My hair and I knew you were going to do this. Source

Outcome #3: Within the first 15 minutes of a film, I turn to Craig and say, "I'm bored."  He just smirks at me, and stops the movie.

    If you've noticed a type of progression in these outcomes, you're on to something.  Most (drinking) evenings are all about outcome #3.  After enough #1s and #2s, Craig saw the pattern, made the connection, and started to go all smug Nostradamus on me every time I slurred out "let's watch a movie!"

    I still haven't learned to stop trying to watch movies after drinking.  Well sober me has, but non-sober me apparently has a pretty big learning curve.

    Also, sober me isn't allowed in theaters where non-sober me can get out.  Source


    1. Very weird effect happening on your blog visually. This happened on the other one too. Stuff collapses into itself as you scroll down, and many things are doubled. Maybe ALL blogs do this? If so, I just revealed how few blogs I've ever read (yes, ...NONE), but it seems strange and makes me wonder if there's something going on that's not supposed to? Maybe you are inept and something is wrong? Maybe my brain is collapsing things in upon itself visually...strange that, if so, because I HAVEN'T had any wine this morning...) Maybe my own computer is doing this somehow? It's as old as I am, so maybe it's a combination of febil-ity (sp? Did I just make that up?) on the part of machine and self? Oh well... signing off now...B.T.