Monday, July 30, 2012

My "Call Me Maybe" Criticism Devolves into a Horror Movie

When I first heard Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me, Maybe," I thought What an arrogant little twerp, and vowed never to listen to it again.  (I mean, she's essentially saying she never has to give her number to any guys since they all chase after her, but she's so smitten that she goes against character and gifts some hot guy in ripped jean--who she can barely look in the eye-- with her digits.  Then, she still tries to play it cool by saying "call me, you know, MAYBE.")

Bitch , please.  I'm the only "girl" they chase after.  Source.

And then I heard it again.  And again.  AND AGAIN.

And dammit, that song is catchy.  It's an ear-worm of the worst kind.

And nowhere NEAR that happy Source
Then all those brilliant memes started popping up, so I didn't feel so bad about suddenly seeming to know the lyrics and turning the volume up when the song came on the radio. 

But there was one lyric I could never seem to remember correctly: "I threw a wish in the well."  It's the first damn line, so you'd think I'd be able to catch on, but I kept using my incorrect version of the first line when I'd sing/hum/croak it out on my own, further embossing it on my brain.  Why could I not remember that it's "I threw a wish IN the well," instead of "I threw a wish DOWN the well."


someecards.com - Poor grammar makes me [sic].
True Story
You don't throw things in a well or fall in a well, you throw things and fall DOWN a well.  If Ms. Jepson is throwing a wish IN a well, that means she's down there with Samara, Dolores Claiborne's husband, and Bart Simpson's Superstar Celebrity Microphone with his name label name on it (DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T REMEMBER "WE'RE SENDING OUR LOVE DOWN THE WELL"). As for throwing a wish, maybe she's tossing about one of those troll dolls that had a stone instead of a belly button.

Try not to let its soulless eyes and demented smile keep you awake tonight Source

My inability to correctly sing the grammatically unsound first line suddenly made sense!  I'm an English major.  Even worse, I'm an English major who spent four years in grad school where absolutely fucking BRILLIANT professors practically beat the importance of correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. into me.  (I'm pretty sure a couple of them  would have really enjoyed the option to physically smack a grad student each time he or she made something as silly as a grammatical error.)

Though possibly not as effective as a few good lashings, the concise and cutting grading commentary of the academic elite was negative reinforcement enough for me to not even be able to correctly sing grammatically incorrect lyrics without exerting some serious effort to undermine my "training."  Actually, the professors might have preferred shock collars.  Flogging is so uncouth.

Tip: NEVER search for "dog collar" on Flickr with safe search off.  EVER. Source

Anywho, so then I was back to not liking the song . . . but I still wouldn't change the station if it just happened to come on.

Then I watched the video and was somewhat mollified.  While the voice of the song comes off as arrogant and narcissistic (YES, I GET THE IRONY OF FINDING THAT OFF-PUTTING. HA. HA. HA.), the video is actually rather endearing.  Jepsen plays an adorable, clumsy, smitten girl just trying to get her hot neighbor to notice her.  The fact that she  doesn't dress like a stripper in training, helps too (I'm looking at you, Miley).  

I allowed myself to like the song again, even going so far as to download the single.

In a very modern, and completely legal sense Source

And then I started actually looking at the lyrics, because I'm obviously a glutton for punishment and even though I told my PhD plans to go back to the hell from whence they came, I AM STILL TRAINED TO ANALYZE THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THE WRITTEN WORD. (Let us not even speak of my reading the Fifty Shade of Grey series--I practically "tapped" my finger through my Kindle touch several times because the literary snob in me was so utterly disgusted.  BTW, there IS well-written erotica out there; I'm not bashing an entire genre.)

So, you see, my sin was actually looking at the lyrics.  If I had just stuck to singing them, I would have been fine, and you'd be reading about some other random drivel going on in my head.  Instead, here we are.

******(Just so you know, this is where the blog starts to diverge from what I originally intended)******

Analysis powers, ACTIVATE (like they ever deactivated . . . YOU CAN'T STOP THE SIGNAL, MAL)

Lyrics                                                                                                 Analysis/Interpretation

I threw a wish in the well                                              I believe we've already covered this line

Don't ask me, I'll never tell                                     Okay, I get it.  If you tell, it won't come true.

I looked to you as it fell                                                       So she's wishing for a certain guy

And now you're in my way                                    Um, does she know the connotation of the 
                                                                              idiom "In my way" is generally negative?    

I trade my soul for a wish                                     Like the one you just threw in a well?      
                                                                             YOU PAID FOR THAT WITH YOUR SOUL?

Pennies and dimes for a kiss               K, this either means that: a) you're paying for physical
                                                              affection--meaning he's a gigolo (hopefully one of the 
                                                              douchebags from Showtime's Gigolos, because that
                                                              would be AWESOME) or b) you'd trade your soul, 
                                                              follow the logic folks, for a KISSSorry, but if I'm going 
                                                              to trade my soul for something, it's going to be a hell of 
                                                              a lot more than a kiss. We're talking at LEAST a one-
                                                              night stand.

I wasn't looking for this                                                                 Um, didn't you wish for this?

But now you're in my way                                                                 YOU WISHED FOR THIS

Your stare was holdin'                                                  So he was just creepily staring at you?

Ripped jeans, skin was showin'                                  I could see how that could be appealing

Hot night, wind was blowin'                                                      Establishes a setting, that's fine

Where you think you're going, baby?            YOU JUST TOLD HIM HE WAS IN YOUR WAY
                                                                        Dude's a lot politer than you are

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,                   So you met him next to a well? (Since you 
                                                                                looked to him "as it fell" in the first part.)     

But here's my number, so call me maybe 

It's hard to look right, at you baby,                                            How'd you know his stare was
                                                                                                   "holdin'" if you can't look at him?  

But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, 

But here's my number, so call me maybe 

And all the other boys, try to chase me, 

But here's my number, so call me maybe         So you're not looking at him, handing him your
                                                                            number, telling him how crazy  giving him your
                                                                            number is (because that is CERTAINLY not 
                                                                            what people do when they just meet and want
                                                                            to get to know each other better), bragging that 
                                                                            normally the guys chase YOU--lord knows you 
                                                                            can't chase them since you can't even look at 
                                                                            them, and then, THEN you try to play it cool by
                                                                            inserting the "maybe," like you're good either way.
                                                                            I  wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that call.       

You took your time with the call                                                                               HE CALLED?

I took no time with the fall                                 That's what happens when you don't look where
                                                                          you're going, dear.  Plus, you sound kind of crazy.  
                                                                          Like, stalker crazy.

You gave me nothing at all, but still you're in my way                           HAH!  Nope, he didn't call.

I beg and borrow and steal                                                         Wait, what? Are those attractive?

Have first sight and it's real                                                            Love at first sight with the guy
                                                                                                        you can't look at?

I didn't know I would feel it, but it's in my way               Are you begging, borrowing, and stealing 
                                                                                      to get "it" out of your way? OH SHIT, SHE'S
                                                                                      GONNA KILL HIM.

Ripped jeans, skin was showin' 
Hot night, wind was blowin' 
Where you think you're going, baby?                                                               RUN, MAN, RUN

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, 
But here's my number, so call me maybe                           RUN FASTER; IF YOU CAN STILL 
It's hard to look right, at you baby,                                       HEAR HER TELLING YOU  TO
But here's my number, so call me maybe                           CALL HER, YOU'RE NOT SAFE


Before you came into my life I missed you so bad                  So you don't miss him anymore . . .

I missed you so bad... I missed you so, so bad         Seriously, what's this past tense nonsense?

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad                                                       Oh God . . .

And you should know that... I missed you so, so bad   BUT NOW THAT SHE'S GOT HIM IN HER
                                                                                        BASEMENT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO

It's hard to look right, at you baby,                           Guess I'll just have to cut off your faaaaaaace

But here's my number, so CALL ME MAYBE             You know that she's just shoving a phone
                                                                                        at his bloodied face, screaming "CALL ME
                                                                                        MAYBE, CALL ME MAYBE" while he sobs

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, 
But here's my number, so call me maybe 
And all the other boys, try to chase me, 
But here's my number, so call me maybe 

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad 
I missed you so bad... I missed you so, so bad 
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad 
And you should know that 
So call me maybe                                                                        Yeah, he's dead.

                                                                                                     The cops will find him with a cell
                                                                                                     phone shoved in his mouth and
                                                                                                     a phone number lodged in his

If I had any video skills, I would totally make this video.  But since I don't, I'm just going to embed my favorite "Call Me, Maybe" parody.  It's by College Humor, it's super short, and it's spectacular. (Make sure you watch it to the very end.)


  1. OMG! Best lame pop song breakdown EVER!

    1. Why, thank you. My husband said I was just being mean.

  2. Haha, glad someone else hates this song as much as I do! It's so unbelievably stupid! Love your post! =)

  3. Thank you! Yeah, they melody is catchy, but OMG, THE LYRICS.

  4. Can I just say that Nick--who vehemently despises this song--laughed his ass off at this post! LOVED the analysis!

    1. I knew at least one fellow English major would appreciate my she's-still-got-it analytical skillz. And being able to make people who hate the song laugh is the icing on the cake.