Thursday, August 16, 2012

@#$% da Club, We Goin' Ta Wal-Mart (Part 1)

The same friend who told me my blog "reads like a fucking chick magazine" sent me a link to a video (which he found on Reddit, because he's far too busy and important to troll the web hunting for funny shit, himself).  And as much as I loath to feed ANYONE'S ego, he kind of struck gold.  Here's the thing, he doesn't know just how much gold he struck.  I offer you exhibit A: "Wal-Mart," a New Orleans Bounce style song by Mr. Ghetto.

The crux of this tour de force combination of music and the visual arts is that when Mr. Ghetto wants to go "meet something new," he abandons the ever-popular hoe-hunting location known as "da club" and points his ridiculously expensive car towards the booty-popping mecca known as Wal-mart.

And while I'm sure that Mr. Ghetto believes he is merely creating a song and video full of female objectification and encouragement to go bitch-hunting in Wal-mart, he has actually provided his audience with a masterfully layered commentary on consumerist, "ghetto," and regional culture and the effect they have on tha' datin' scene in New Orleans.

The professorial-appearing water fowl dating scene will
be covered in a future analysis of a Lil' Wayne song
. Source.

I first realized there might be more to Mr. Ghetto's video at 0:53 when he starts singing "She got her basket."  As the two generously endowed (on both ends) ladies in the video show, "basket"  outwardly refers to a shopping cart.  Now, what do YOU call a shopping cart?  Do you call it a cart?  A basket?  A buggy?  A grocery-toting wildebeest? Shopping cart terminology is (and if it's not, it fucking should be) a definitive cultural marker, usually denoting a particular region and/or economic/social class. This astute wordsmith obviously chose his use of the word "basket" carefully so as to reveal his pride in himself and his 'hood.

This "basket" might be described as "busted-assed" and is clearly
a denouncement  of ghetto violence . . . bitch.

But that is not all there is to Mr. Ghetto's "basket," oh no.

As Mr. Ghetto continually repeats "basket," the afore-mentioned ladies shake either their ample bosoms or ghetto boo-tays in time with the beat, visually illustrating Mr. Ghetto's lyrically subtle metaphor. It is no coincidence that boobs, booty/butt, and basket all share the same initial consonant sound;  this connective alliteration is meant to further emphasize the multiple meanings of "basket." When "she" comes to Wal-mart, she does indeed "got" her "basket" in all three senses the video implies, allowing any Mr. Ghetto-like men to see the wisdom of trolling for (literal) ass in Wal-mart.  (NB: One should also consider that ample posterior regions are often referred to as "trunks," yet another carry space, and  that the sole biological purpose of breasts is to act as ever-refilling milk jugs.  While I do not believe Mr. Ghetto consciously built on these associations with his choice of the word "basket," it could be considered a mark of his sub-conscious cultural affiliations and fondness for storage items. )

The inevitable setting for Mr. Ghetto's follow-up video. Source.

The next telling scene in this cinematic oeuvre takes place as Mr. Ghetto inquires "What's yo name what's yo number girl?"  And where does he pose the final--and most important--version of such a question?  IN THE ORAL HEALTH AISLE.  Glistening green and blue bottles of mouthwash create the minty backdrop for Mr. Ghetto's initial set of requests for a lady's digits. And how could he choose any other aisle in the store to play out the beginnings of this ancient dance known as courtship?  Mr. Ghetto is all too obviously aware of the poor oral hygiene epidemic in America and uses this setting to make the statement that he refuses to be a part of such an epidemic or chase after some piece of pussy who IS a part of it.

To further cement the video's message on the vital importance of maintaining your grill, the young lady whose digits he is requesting is chomping away on--what is surely--some sugar-free variety of gum. Not only has Mr. Ghetto begun his courtship, but he has established the first standard to which all men of his situation should aspire to, finding a bitch with good oral health.  Bitches love good oral health.

But enough about what bitches love for the moment, what about ghetto thugs?

Mr. Ghetto chooses to focus his next requirement in a mate with the lyrics, "She making groceries."  As the word "groceries" is generally synonymous with food items used in meal preparation, Mr. Ghetto is obviously expressing his desire for a more old-fashioned woman of the hearth (a good southern woman),  one who is indeed  in charge of the groceries,the dinner table, and general matters of the home. But ever the sensitive and forward-thinking  fellow, Mr. Ghetto makes sure to place this scene in the simple but sexy hosiery portion of the store, allowing him to assure his potential mate that while he will indeed delight in her taking her traditionally rightful place in the kitchen, he will still consider her fuckable.  THAT'S WHAT STOCKIN'S MEAN, YO.
Now baby, just bend over and POP it. Source.

Perhaps my favorite lyrics are the pointed, "She got a Louisiana Purchase card."  Not only is the choice to reveal this information about his future intended Mr. Ghetto's "shout out" to his beloved home state and its social assistance programs, but it also praises the potentially future Mrs. Ghetto for not being soiled by the privileged attitude of the wealthy, or be a stuck-up hoe, as it were.  (I, personally, get a chuckle over the cleverly named automated benefits card, but am also saddened that the card only has a picture of Louisiana on it as opposed to the entire territory involved in the card's historical nod of a title.  Was there no room on the back for an asterisk devoted to historical accuracy?)

History, bitches.
Ever the gentleman, Mr. Ghetto then slips her card into his pocket (after removing it from beneath the band of her sports bra and flashing the rectangular piece of plastic about), implying she will no longer need it as he is now here to take full care of her and her ever-vibrating buttocks.  The symbolism is heart-warming.

Due to the  length of the "Wal-Mart" analysis, I have decided to separate it in to two blog posts.  Please come back on Monday so that I may reveal more of the hidden depths of WALLY, WALLY, WALLY, WALLY, WALLY, WALLY WORLD as seen through Mr. Ghetto's transformative eyes.


  1. "which he found on Reddit, because he's far too busy and important to troll the web hunting for funny shit, himself"

    Says the girl who's far too busy and important to make a blog post about a Youtube video said guy sent to h-OHNOWAITYOUTOTALLYDIDMAKEABLOGPOST

  2. Oh. My. God. I still haven't quit laughing! LOVE your analysis--especially of the use of the word "basket".

    1. Give credit where credit is due. It was Mr. Ghetto's brilliant USE of the word "basket" that inspired my analysis. The man is an underrated genius.