Monday, August 6, 2012

FBA: Female Bloggers Anonymous

Hi, my name is Amanda, and I'm female blogger.

I don't know why they thought I needed an intervention.
 Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

I didn't want to be one.  I didn't want to "niche" myself.  I failed.  Big time.

After a male friend--who I can always rely on to be brutally honest-- told me "it reads like a fucking chick magazine and shits boring to a guy," I had to take a step back. Shit, I DO sound like a chick magazine.  And while I didn't originally want to pigeon-hole myself, I'm pretty much pigeon-holed by who I am.  We all are.

Because shitting all over everything just wasn't enough for these asshats. Source.

But that's okay as long as you like who you are, right?  There are worse things than being defined by the things you like about yourself.

Much worse. Source.

I mean, we all want to be different and unique, blah, blah, blah, but if we're that different and unique, then who the hell is going to want to hear what we have to say?  You know who's REALLY unique?  No, you don't, BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM/HER/THEM.

Unique > Famous.  Right, buskers? Source.

And if only females--or more female-minded people--really dig my blog, well that's certainly nothing to snort at.

Don't make a SOUND, you bacon-filled bastard. Source.

We're talking about at least half of the population consisting of potential readers.  And I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with female bloggers.  Hell, my FAVORITE blogger is a female blogger--a fucking spectacular and successful female blogger.  I just had these naive, unrealistic notions about being a universal blogger.  THE BLOGGER FOR EVERYONE, WHO FITS INTO NO CATEGORY.

Yeah, I know.  You're never too old to entertain delusions of grandeur.  Hell, I'm writing this post before my blog is a month old, so I guess you're never too young either.


I'm hoping some of you are reading this and thinking, "I don't give a a flying fuck if you're 'girly' or whatever the hell else pigeon-label-bullshit you're going on about; I just like to read your blog.  You help kill a few minute in my boring-ass Mondays and Thursdays."  And if you are, God-fucking-bless you.  Keep reading and remember to share me with your friends.  And your enemies.  And strangers on the street (but who obviously have internet access).

I paused my Mighty Midget Morphin' Power Rangers porn for this? Source.

If you're reading this and thinking, "I do this because I want to support you even though you're about as funny as the stench of a road kill skunk with its innards coming out its ass," I thank you.  I appreciate you.  And I promise that when I build up a stronger reader base, I will post an announcement saying you are absolved of your obligation.

I will "drop it like it's hot"  when I'm famous ("it" being you).  Source.

If this is the first post of mine you're reading, let me tell you what you can expect from here on out.  You can expect stuff from a female who is also the following: an English major with a sharpish sense of humor, a mom, a quasi-nerd,  and an opinionated little shit with a bit of a mouth on her (I'm not a fucking sailor or anything, but I do like the  various rhetorical emphases profanity can offer).  If you think you'd rather munch on the previously mentioned innards than read anything even remotely like that, then you probably won't want to put me on your RSS feed or Google Reader.

This isn't a "FUCK YOU, I'm gonna be ME" post.  This is essentially me figuring out who the hell I am and giving you fair warning.

BINGO. Source.

Hi, my name is Amanda, and I'm a female blogger.  And there ain't no way I can "anonymous" my way out of it, so why don't we just go get wasted while you make bets on how many posts I'm going to get through before busting out the word "__________."  (If I type the word now, there's nothing to bet on.)

What did you say your bet was?  You're a little muffled.   Source.


  1. Great stuff, Amanda! Never suspected you had all this in you, back in the 6th grade. Your 6th grade self: externally, at least, ...sweet, respectful, quiet, studious, and inquisitive. No hint of this 'grit and alt power' on board. But then, how many of us truly know our 6th grade selves much, IN the 6th grade, much less our future wanton,wild-assed woman in adulthood. Or if it already is IN there, how many of us reveal such things, in the 6th grade, to anyone else? Hell, I don't think I really 'found' myself until... 'I'm pushing 70!' Now I'm playing music, performing, cycling, kayaking, puttin' it out there in whole new ways, and in a musical circle of fellow crazies whom I love dearly. So already there in young adulthood? You're WAY AHEAD! Be comforted that, maybe, we ALL eventually 'find ourselves', even if some take decades to do so! I will subscribe to your blog (or whatever one does to get these blog things directed at oneself), and follow you faithfully as you wend your way toward MY vintage. (Note the word 'age' nestled within the word 'vintage'. Clever, those wine makers!)
    Barbara Taylor, still-devoted friend of your dad from our Dunbar days...formerly your 6th grade teacher of things scientific!

  2. Thank you so much for the wonderful comment, Barbara. (We will not discuss how much it took me to not call you Ms. Taylor just then!) I immensely enjoy reading about all your activities and how much joy you are finding in life.

  3. Thank you for your delightful humor. So refreshing! Yes, I am female and love your stuff. I've sent your info to men and yes they laugh out loud. Usually the really quiet guys that are insanely smart. ;) Keep up the great work!

  4. Incidentally, after I liked your blog on FB, my (male) boss was like, "Hey, Ashley, What was that blog you linked to? I read some posts. It was hilarious and awesome."

    1. Excuse me, I have to go squeal like a maniac now.