Friday, May 24, 2013

Nearly Lost the Dog, Going to Lose my Appetite, Trying Not to Lose My Mind

It's been and going to be kind of a shit day, so, yay.

This morning the dog got out.  We were getting ready to go on our morning constitutional, so I was in athletic wear--including shoes--but it didn't matter.  We have bunnies (and unholy and ever-growing number of bunnies) ALL over my fucking neighborhood.  It's ridiculous.  You see them as roadkill now as often as you see squirrels.  And while my dog is, apparently, shit at recall when she's all hyped up and ready to go on a walk, if a bunny is in her eyeline?  The rest of the world does not exist.  EVERY time I would get near her, there'd be another goddamn bunny and she'd take off.  Even me shouting, "Loki, do you wanna cookie?" made no difference--and this dog lives and dies by the contents of her stomach.

I'm not a runner, AT ALL, and I'm sore as shit from my new yoga routine, but I sprinted after that dog until I had nothing left.  And I still couldn't catch her.  It was awful.  I kept track of her by this crazy ass yapping she does when she's after a bunny, but then I couldn't hear it anymore.  I was walking/jogging up and down alleys and sidewalks calling out her name, intentionally not thinking about what could happen.  She'd only be officially lost when I stopped looking.

I hadn't heard her yip in a few minutes so I headed toward home to get a bag of treats and her leash and my husband drove up:

"I found her and she's in the backyard."

I got into the car and burst into tears.  I'd been holding it back and stuffing it down because tears don't do anything but get in the way when it's time for action.  But after it's done?  All that fear and anger and hurt just came out.  I was so mad at her for running away and not coming when I called, and I was also hurt.  (I'm talking emotions here, so if you try to come at me with logic about the nature of a dog or the need for training, I'm just going to say "fuck you" and move on.)

What really kills me is she used to be different . . . before we had my husband's lab put to sleep a few months ago.  I'd already planned to start working with her after our vacation--it's not a good idea to start and then have to stop for a week; consistency is key--and this situation only further emphasizes the need.  The death of a beloved pet affects us all, including the other animals in the house.  We just don't always realize how much and in what ways.

In a little bit, I'm leaving to go shopping for yoga clothes.  Since this hot yoga studio is really working out, I need more than one outfit.  But I've already told you how fun it is to shop for yoga clothes--nice unforgiving yoga clothes--so I'll not go into that.  (I will tell you that I'm not going to eat lunch before going and that by the time I'm done, who knows if I'll still even want to eat!)

Then later, ECI comes to visit.  The kid hasn't been in the best mood this week (I wish we were carnivores so we didn't have to deal with molars), and I'm sure that will translate to working with him.  Also, just the fact that we have ECI visits always kind of bums me out.  I don't know if I'll ever believe I had nothing to do with his delays.  I'm still convinced I could have talked and sang to him more in his infancy/babyhood.

Fortunately, there's a yoga class tonight I can go to.  I'm pretty sore from the last two, but by the end of today?  I'm going to need to just go and sweat and focus on poses and balance (which I don't have, just FYI) and getting everything OUT of me.

And then I'll try not to notice that I have like, the only spare tire in the room.

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