oliver

Monday, September 23, 2013

I Fail at Halloween Decor: my entry for the Pintester Movement

Among my favorite bloggers is The Pintester.  Basically, she takes pins from Pinterest, tries them out (often in the half-assed manner of the average person), and creates posts about her attempts.

She's kind of like Mythbusters for pins, except with less emphasis on precision and more emphasis on dick jokes.  

Back in May she organized the first Pintester Movement, in which other bloggers followed her lead and fucked up their own pins.  She linked to them and they linked to her and it was just one big orgy of (mostly) failed pins and "that's what she said"-worthy lines.  I did not participate for some lame reason or another--a mistake I do not intend to repeat this time around.  Without further ado . . . 

LISTEN WELL TO MY TALE OF PINTESTING WOE.
I started by searching for my perfect pin, which had to meet the following criteria:
no sewing (or other fiber arts-ing) anything, no burning anything, and no ingesting anything.  
(Look, if I royally fuck something up, I don’t want to have to taste it.)  And, in true Pintester fashion, I also had to have the required materials--or at least some approximation thereof--already at home.  

Enter the below idea from The Art of Doing Stuff.  



Image from The Art of Doing Stuff

I only needed three ingredients: white-ish yarn, double-sided tape, and decorative/plastic spiders. (Oh, and a wall, that too.)

BEHOLD:


One out of three ain't bad.  (Also, according to my dollar store sticker book, the term "bugs" apparently also includes arachnids, reptiles, amphibians, and imaginary creatures).  


Oh, and the wall.

Impressive, right?

The original post had some nice recommendations--like using either a white wall (which we don't have any of) or clear double-sided tape (which we also don't have any of)--that I read after gathering my materials; I'm a cheap, lazy rebel, so I opted to use that which was already in front of me . . . and already photographed.

First, I taped up the, uh, foundation lines?  Lead lines?  Look, I'm not a fucking arachnologist.

I'm also not a Chili Peppers fan, contrary to what you may think . . . .

Then I got to work on the circles.

Me. "Working." (This is totally posed; I'm not left-handed.)

It went well until gravity started kicking in around circle three.

See how the bottom is starting to sag? AND NO ONE LIKES A SAGGY ASS, AMIRIGHT GUYS? GUYS? Guys?

I could have used more tape and given the saggy parts a lift (har, har), but I wasn't willing to waste anymore of my precious double-sided quadrilaterals.  (See the earlier "cheap" label underneath the picture of a bare wall.) Instead, I continued on, choosing to modify my body acceptance beliefs so that they now included DIY projects.  I'm just that open-minded.

I slapped on one more circle and decided it was time for the spiders.  When I actually opened the "Bugs" sticker book, however, I noticed a small discrepancy in size . . .

Well, maybe a little larger than small

I'd already shrunk the web down from it's suggested size because a) LAZY, and b) the only feasible wall space I had to work with measured about two feet across, maximum (between walls with a bunch of shit hanging on them and walls within my 2.5 year old's reach, there ain't much left).  These stickers, however, were still waaaaay too small for effective decorating.

So I decided to use them anyway.  (Need I repeat the "L" and "Ch" words again?)

But while I was trying to choose which micro-spiders would best complement my sad sack of a web, I noticed something about some of the "spider" stickers.

I even circled a few examples; you're welcome.

They were missing legs.  I suppose it could be argued that the round yellow guy and fuzzy orange guy (who both only have FIVE legs, by the way) are just long-legged insects and not spiders, but that little yellow and blue guy with multiple circles around him?  HE'S HANGING BY A THREAD FROM HIS ASS; if that doesn't say spider, I just don't know what does.

Now, not ALL of the purported spiders were amputees.  The little guy in the bottom right corner has eight legs (even if he looks more like he belongs on Mars than in the center of a web) and a red guy I actually used had eight as well, but over fifty percent of the "spiders" in this book had a maximum of six legs.  Way to miseducate the youth and/or encourage arachnid cruelty.

Pushing my sticker-themed disgust aside, I added a smattering of tiny spiders--some anatomically correct and some not--and was done.

VOILA!

A smattering = however many I tediously peeled out of that book before I started getting impatient.

I know I should have taken a picture that would show scale better, but *insert excuse here*; and I honestly didn't think about it until just now so . . . .

Verdict:  This looks like something your well-meaning but arthritic great aunt would contribute to your Halloween-themed baby shower.

Mazel tov.



18 comments:

  1. That is the happiest looking spider web every. Good job. How long did this take you? Having to add all those stickies would be my downfall.

    Happy Monday

    Cherin // masterfullyme.com

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    1. It took one and a half nap times, so three-ish hours? I know, I AM DEDICATED TO MY FAILURE.

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  2. Hahaha, love it. "This looks like something your well-meaning but arthritic great aunt would contribute to your Halloween-themed baby shower." is the best description of what that looks like. So, it's a half win? Not bad for using stuff you had on hand!

    Mine was an ingestible, and thankfully it turned out okay!

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  3. Hahahaha! That's amazing. I love it. Thanks so much for participating!

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  4. This is great! I'd pretty much say it's an ALMOST FAIL except you did finish it. It's pretty much not very scary though. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Pinterest is all lies, so it's totally not your fault!!

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  5. OK but seriously I would have loved to have that for decor at my baby shower. So much cooler than annoying ass teddy bears and cherubic babies.

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  6. That is the cutest spider web I have ever seen. If they really looked like that I wouldn't be nearly as afraid of spiders.

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  7. Bwahaha! I would type more, but I am still laughing at the Mazel Tov!

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  8. I love your qualifications for a pin: no sewing, burning or ingesting. Perfect. And I happen to like saggy bottoms...including mine! Great post...you had me LOL throughout.

    Have a great week!
    Kristen http://www.mommyinsports.com/2013/09/another-pinterest-fail.html

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  9. Hahahaha! Arthritic Great Aunt... You're awesome. I totally feel you for having to pin-test during nap times and out of reach of a toddler. Definitely brings crafting to a new, pain-in-the-ass, kind of level.

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  10. Yours is so much cuter than the original, and it made me laugh, so in my book: that is a win!

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  11. Awesome looking web. I don't think I'd be frightened of that web in a haunted house.

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  12. N'aww, that's one adorable spiderweb with amputee spiders, and that totally makes it one very cute pin-win to me :)

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  13. Hahaha, you are too funny. And you are totally right about Sonja being Mythbusters but with more dick jokes.

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  14. What your spiderweb lacks, you make up in your narrative. Epic fail spiderweb. Nailed the narrative.

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  15. It's funny... when I read (and pinned) this pin a few weeks ago, I had a fleeting thought... why wouldn't the web sag along the bottom side? Now I know to trust my instincts. Thank you for saving me time.

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    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure the original poster used even more double-sided tape to prevent saggage, but we all know I'm not using anymore than I have to!

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